Starting School: Help Your Child Settle In and Say Goodbye

Children settle into school best when they know what to expect, feel connected to at least one adult or friend there, and get a calm, confident goodbye from you. Tears are normal at first. Your steady, warm message, "You can do this, and I'll be back", matters more than any perfect first day.

Try tonight: the 60-second version

Make a goodbye ritual together: a special handshake, a kiss on the palm, a phrase like "See you later, alligator."
Tell your child exactly when you'll be back, in terms they understand: "After story time and snack."
Pack one small comfort item if the school allows it: a family photo or a keyring.
Plan the after-school landing: snack, quiet time, cuddles. Questions can wait.

Why transitions are hard

Starting school means new people, new rules, new noises and long stretches without you. Even confident children feel the strain. That's why many become extra tired, clingy or irritable in the first weeks, especially at home, where they feel safe enough to fall apart.

Familiar faces help. Gary Ladd and Joseph Price followed children from preschool into kindergarten. Children who moved up with familiar peers and had a broader set of friends tended to adjust more smoothly, with more positive attitudes towards school.

Avoid avoidance. Eli Lebowitz and colleagues developed SPACE, a parent-based programme for childhood anxiety. Instead of rearranging life to avoid a child's fears (called "accommodation"), parents learn to respond with support: acceptance of the feeling plus confidence in the child's ability to cope. In a randomised trial, this was as effective as therapy delivered directly to the child.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends preparing in practical ways: visit the school, practise routines and help your child connect with a classmate before term starts.

Say this instead of that

Instead of…	Try…
"Don't be silly, there's nothing to be scared of."	"New things can feel scary. And I know you can handle it."
"Okay, I'll stay a bit longer." (again and again)	"I'm going now. I love you. I'll see you after lunch."
"What did you do today?"	"Who did you sit next to at lunch?" or "What made you laugh today?"
"You'll love it!"	"Some parts will be fun and some might be hard. Both are okay."
"If you cry, I'll be sad."	"It's okay to cry. Your teacher will help you feel better."

Age by age: transitions

Age	What to expect	What helps
Nursery / preschool (2–4)	Clinginess, tears at drop-off, regression at home	Short, consistent goodbyes, transition objects, settling-in sessions
Starting school (4–6)	Excitement mixed with worry, exhaustion, after-school meltdowns	Visit beforehand, practise routines, early bedtimes, calm after-school time
New class or school (6–9)	Worries about friends, teachers and rules	Find out key info, arrange play dates, problem-solve likely worries
Moving up (10–12)	Fear of getting lost, bigger workloads, social pressure	Practise the journey, talk through scenarios, keep communication open

Myth vs fact

Myth: If my child cries, they're not ready for school. Fact: Tears at separation are normal and usually short-lived.
Myth: Staying longer helps them settle. Fact: Long, drawn-out goodbyes often make separation harder.
Myth: Avoiding the scary thing helps anxious children. Fact: Supportive encouragement to face it works better (Lebowitz and colleagues, 2020).
Myth: Once they've settled, it's done. Fact: Wobbles often return after holidays, illness or changes at home.

Two weeks before school, step by step

Adam (4) starts school in two weeks. He says he doesn't want to go.

Day 1–3: Talk and read. Read a picture book about starting school. Ask: "What do you think school will be like?" Listen to his worries.
Day 4–6: Visit. Walk past the school, play in the playground, look at the gate. If there's an open day, go.
Day 7–9: Practise the routine. Shift bedtime earlier. Practise putting on his uniform and opening his lunchbox. Read our calm morning routine.
Day 10–12: Make a friend. Arrange a play date with a classmate if you can.
Day 13: Pack together. Let Adam choose his snack and put a family photo in his bag.
First day: Arrive on time, say the goodbye phrase, hug, hand over to the teacher and leave. Adam cries. The teacher texts 10 minutes later: he's building with blocks.
After school: Snack, cuddle, quiet play. At bedtime, he tells you about the class hamster.

Your starting-school checklist

☐ We've visited the school or looked at photos together
☐ We've read books about starting school
☐ Bedtime and morning routines are set a week in advance
☐ My child can manage their coat, shoes, lunchbox and toilet (mostly!)
☐ We've practised a short goodbye ritual
☐ My child knows when and by whom they'll be picked up
☐ We've met a classmate before term
☐ After-school time is calm, with snacks and downtime

If this doesn't work

Drop-off tears go on for weeks. Ask the teacher for a "meet and greet" job for your child, like feeding the fish, and keep goodbyes short.
Your child is very anxious. See our guide to helping an anxious child.
Mornings are chaos. Practise the calm morning routine and prepare everything the night before.
Sleep has fallen apart. Return to a predictable bedtime routine.
Friendship worries are the main issue. See how to help your child make friends.
Setbacks feel overwhelming. See raising resilient kids.
They struggle with coats, shoes and lunchboxes. See self-care skills by age.

When to talk to a professional

Talk to the school and your doctor if distress continues beyond the first term, gets worse over time, includes frequent physical complaints like tummy aches or headaches with no medical cause, leads to school refusal, or disrupts sleep and eating. The NHS notes that anxiety in children is common and treatable, and early support helps.

Bedtime helpers

The Cloud That Was Afraid of Rain is about a small cloud who's scared to do something new, then discovers the good it can do. Grandpa's Box of Ordinary Things follows Sami on his first night away from home. Both are gentle, reassuring reads for the week before a big change.

Frequently asked questions

Should I sneak away so my child doesn't see me leave?

No. Sneaking out can make children more anxious because they never know when you'll disappear. A short, warm, predictable goodbye works better, even if there are tears.

How long does it take a child to settle into school?

Many children settle within a few weeks, though some take a term. Tears at drop-off often stop within minutes of you leaving; ask the teacher how your child is during the day.

My child was fine at first and now cries every morning. Why?

This 'second-week slump' is common. The novelty wears off and the reality of every day sinks in. Stay consistent, keep goodbyes short and talk to the teacher.

Does it help if my child knows someone in the class?

It can. Research by Ladd and Price found that children who started kindergarten with familiar classmates tended to have smoother early adjustment. A play date before term starts is a simple boost.

When is school anxiety a bigger problem?

If your child's distress is intense, lasts beyond the first term, includes frequent stomach aches or refusal to go to school, or affects sleep and eating, talk to the school and your doctor.

Starting School: How to Help Your Child With the Transition (and Goodbye Tears)